The Multiverse

How to be a Cultist...

This was posted on the Palladium FRPG mailing list, which received it form yet another mailing list. So the origns of this file are unknown.

Dear Acolyte/Neophyte,

Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evil priests, and willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct this growing problem by submitting the following guide-lines for new Cultists.

  1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.
  2. Avoid needless embarassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your Diety's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
  3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
  4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over 10 lb. in weight. It attracts unwanted attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures, and can be absolutely deadly during thunderstorms.
  5. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I just can't stress this enough. Pastel-colored candles in the shapes of cute cartoon animals are like beacons to the Powers of Darkness.
  6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, garlic, cab fare, condoms, etc.
  7. NEVER be the cultist that goes to rough up the hero(s)! Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a quick route to disaster.
  8. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priests - enraged demons, always go for the pompous fools.
  9. Don't gloat.
  10. If you can't resist gloating, don't reveal your plans.
  11. If you gloat, then reveal your plans, don't leave the hero(s) to die slowly - they won't.
  12. If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the hero(s) to die slowly, don't have the audacity to look surprised when they show up at the last moment to foil your evil plot.
  13. Bearing in mind that the hero(s) will always show up at the last moment to foil your evil plot, start half an hour early - they hate that!
  14. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.
  15. Never have sex with anything you invoke.
  16. Never admit to having sex with anything you invoke.
  17. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES! Thousands of cultists could be saved each year if they'd just remember this simple safety tip.
  18. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
  19. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now considered 'bad form'.
  20. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims. The effects of diseased or tainted offerings on the average extra-planar being have never been witnessed by anyone living, or more to the point - intact.
  21. Contrary to popular belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the shit hits the fan, it is vitally necessary to be able to tell the difference between the gibbering monstrosity to throw holy-water at, and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good hot bath.
  22. Don't play Strip Tarot.
  23. Piety and Belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his God, and his own soul. However, it is also true that the Gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.
  24. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible (or possible), the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously-frozen chunk of former-victim and jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam™ is asking for trouble.

This list was posted by Chris chris.caley@oxon-ha.anglox.nhs.uk

How_to_be_Cultist.php -- Revised: January 27, 2021.