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Rules Lawyer R.C.C. |
By: AnubisXy@aol.com
"Why not?" asked the short being for the umpteenth time that day. "Why can't me do this? Why?"
"Because it's illegal! You can't do it! It's physically impossible," answered Quentin Mcleary, Rules Lawyer extraordinare for the umpteenth and first time. He was quickly realizing that this could be one of the most difficult arguments he had ever gotten in. The poor fool was too dense to realize he was breaking the laws of physics all over the place. "It is physically impossible for you to carry a fleet of ATVs around on your back. You couldn't be THAT strong... hell, even Atlas couldn't do that... and his PS is 90! What's yours?"
Timmy, the Munchkin Supreme stopped. He went slack jawed, and his eyes misted over as he attempted to take in all this information at once. Suddenly he reverted to normal... or what passed as normal for him. He looked down at his fingers and began counting out loud, "One... ummm.... two.... err... ummm....." he paused for along time before starting over. "One... ummm... two... umm... lots and lots." He looked up and over to Quentin. "Me PS is lots and lots. Want to fight?"
"ARGH!" screamed Quentin, "Your PS has to be a NUMBER! a NUMBER! What is it?" He was beginning to get extremely frustrated. He hated people who abused the rules, or worse blatantly disregarded them, as this small fellow seemed to enjoy doing.
"Me no know... me no have basic math. Me learn physical skills instead," Timmy replied with a wide grin.
"You... don't... know... basic... math...?" asked Quentin in a low, monotone voice. He'd met many munchkins in his day, but this guy by far was taking the cake. "How the hell can you function without being able to add or subtract?'
"Me make things go BOOM! Big-badda-boom!" Timmy looked around and saw a chair. It exploded with an unsurprisingly big boom. "See? Me do that!'
"ARRRRRRGH! Not my priceless antique Zeta-prime folding chair," roared Lord Splynncryth, "Will you quit making things go boom?!?" screamed the angered intelligence. He turned to the human at his side, "I still don't understand why we have these two people here. They're annoying, and have been doing nothing but fighting and arguing and blowing stuff up since they got here!"
Howard Jarvis, the esteemed Naruni representative smiled shallowly. "You wanted the ultimate protection against any unwanted... GM experiences. With these two around, no GM would come within 2000 light years of this place."
Lord Splynncryth groaned as another one of his antiques exploded, "I don't blame them... hell, I wouldn't want to be here." After the GM'ing incident several days ago (Note: Go look at the GM R.C.C. for details), Lord Splynncryth had been terrified of another. He had contacted Naruni and ordered from them the best anti-GM protection available. The fact that a Splugorth hired out Naruni sources shows what desperate straits he was in.
Meanwhile, Quentin seemed to be getting a bit further with the munchkin. "Ok Timmy.. how are you carrying that fleet of ATVs? Look... they're all your back, stacked up like pancakes. Altogether, they're approximately a thousand feet high. This room is only 100 feet tall. How are you doing that?"
Again, Timmy went slack jawed and bleary eyed as he tried to come up with an appropriate response. "Ummm.. me no know," he said. Suddenly, a large hole appeared in Lord Splynncryth's ceiling. There was enough room now for the munchkins ATV stack to climb high out into the sky "Oh... me guess like that."
Quentin nodded sagely, while ignoring Splynncryth's scream of absolute anger and the attempts of the Naruni sales rep to calm him down. "Ok... so how do you make things go boom?" he asked.
The munchkin looked around and said, "GO BOOM!" There was a loud explosion, a large chunk of Lord Splynncryth's wall exploded. There was a squak from Lord Splynncryth at this latest destruction of his domicile, but that was it. He was still more terrified of the GM than these two beings.
Quentin sat back and thought. "How does it work? I mean is it a psionic power? magic? maybe a mutant ability?"
The munchkin thought, "Umm.. me no know. Me just do it." he then proceeded to make several other large, priceless objects in Lord Splynncryth's chambers "go boom."
"ENOUGH," screamed Lord Splynncryth, "Quite fighting and blowing up my things! I brought you here to make sure no GM could ever get me... but now I know why they are terrified of you. You guys are enough to make me physically ill! UGH!" He was sick and tired of the ceaseless chatter, punctuated periodically by the explosions.
"Hey," said Quentin, as he walked over to Lord Splynncryth, "that brings up a good point." He reached into his backpack and pulled out several tattered, but still readable books. "According to Mercenaries, Phase World and even Underseas," he continued, punctuating his statements with a tap on each respective book, "Splugorth and Naruni hate each other. What are you doing hiring them? You own the Dimensional Market. According to SDM here you should be able to hire one of us! Why didn't you?"
Lord Splynncryth remained quite for some moments as he thought this over. "Because Naruni has a full money back policy. If the GM somehow gets me, they'll refund my money," Lord Splynncryth replied, suddenly unsure of himself.
"That's not important. You're a Splugorth.. you got enough money. Why? huh? Why? I think you're CHEATING! You're just a cheater," Quentin yelled. Meanwhile Timmy had begun making other things explode.
Lord Splynncryth had had enough. "GET OUT! GO AWAY! ARRRRRGH!," he screamed as he attempted to dimensionally teleport away from these two psychopaths.
"Wait... how can you do that? How do you just vanish," asked Quentin. Suddenly Lord Splynncryth lost his train of thought, and was unable to teleport.
"WHAT DID YOU DO? I demand that you let me teleport," cried Splynncryth, utterly enraged and confused. A strange glint came into his eyes and foam began forming at the corners of his mouth.
"No, you can't teleport until you explain it. You also have to point to where in the book it says you can do it," said Quentin in a rather prim voice.
Splynncryth reached out and grabbed the Atlantis book, "Right here, on page 39. See? I have a 98% chance of doing." As he finished those words, he began to fade out.
"Wait," said Quentin in a stern voice, and suddenly Splynncryth found himself back in Atlantis, "it says 98%. Here, roll these dice to see if you can do it. And no cheating, I'm watching."
Lord Splynncryth casually picked up the dice and rolled them... "DAMNIT," he screamed as he beheld the 100, or critical failure. "What a freaking <bleep> piece of <bleep> mother <bleep> of a <bleep> <bleep> <bleep> set of <bleep> dice!"
"Ouch," said Quentin, "a critical failure. That means you won't be able to teleport again for a minute." He reached down to pick his dice up, but they suddenly exploded under the gaze of Timmy.
Splynncryth screamed the most hideous, unearthly, horrible sound ever heard in the Megaverse (well, at least since the Backstreet Boys stopped recording), and threw himself through a nearby window. He plummeted out of the side of his pyramid, and went bouncing down the slope. He finally reached the bottom and crawled off looking for a good bar where he could get several stiff drinks, a cheap woman and try to forget about his problems...
Back in the Pyramid, Howard Jarvis was speaking. "Ahh.. excellent work there Timmy and Quentin," a devious smile lighting his face, "Yet another victory for Naruni. Bwahahahahahahaha, with your help we shall lay low the Splugorth and control the Megaverse."
Suddenly the munchkin looked over at Mr. Jarvis. The esteemed Naruni spokesman got a strange look on his face, as though he had just swallowed a large, half rotten corpse, and then exploded into a million pieces.
"You know little guy," Quentin said, "you aren't too bad after all. But I still think you're cheating somehow." He realized however, that having a being who could make things explode for a friend could be a pretty good ally.
Quentin and his new friend Timmy slowly exited Lord Splynncryth's quarters and headed down to the Dimension Marketplace, where hopefully they would find a new employer.
Rules Lawyer O.C.C.:
Rules Lawyers are hated and despised by most of the rest of the sane beings in the Megaverse. Hell, they even tend to hate and despise each other. The reason is simple. They argue all the time, with anyone about anything. Whenever someone tries to do ANYTHING (and I mean anything, often times even breathing), the rules lawyer will jump on them. Typically, the Lawyer will demand that the person PROVE they can do said action. This proof must be contained somewhere in any number of books.
A Rules Lawyer can be of any race, but are most commonly human.
Special Abilities:
- Thick Headedness: A Rules Laywer has an incredibly thick skull. This is formed from the constant act of hitting it on large objects. This makes his head so thick, that another persons arguments will bounce off. This means he can parry megadamage attacks with his head! Also, he is TOTALLY impervious to all forms of psionic manipulation that affects the mind (such as Hypnotic Suggestion). By ramming their head into a door or other object, there is a 1-25% chance it will break. The head, if used as a weapon in combat does 4d6+PS bonus in megadamage.
- Aura of Irritation: The Rules Lawyer has a constant and always "on" aura of irritation. This simply means that anyone within 10 feet of them will become irritated. This means a -2 bonus on all attacks from the Rules Lawyer, but a +4 to strike! Anyone in the aura is likely to become very argumentative. Even the pettiest dislikes can turn to intense anger, the smallest mistake into a gigantic overblown one. Remember... NOBODY likes a smartass
- Alter Reality: A Rules Lawyer can TEMPORARILY alter reality/pause time. For example, if a wizard tries to cast a spell, the Rules Lawyer can force the wizard to explain how he is casting this spell, and prove that he is indeed eligible to cast it. Typically this takes several minutes while the victim hunts through various books to prove they can do it. During this time, the being can do other actions, but forfeits the original one. This could be a good time or the rules lawyer to escape, or start another argument.
- Argue: This is their main "power". They can stand and
argue all day. Typically, a normal person can only argue for one
minute per ME point. After this, they get frustrated and upset. A
Rules Lawyer however, can theoretically argue forever. In fact,
there are some tales of lawyers arguing for centuries against one
another. Any being who tries to disagree with a Rules Lawyer must
roll vs. Psionic attack, with all bonuses. However, they are at -1
for every two levels of the Rules Lawyer (so, a level 10 Rules
Lawyer would give his victim a -5 penalty). If the saving throw is
passed, the victim is simply annoyed (-1 on all combat rolls
except for strike which the victim gets a +1 bonus on). If the
victim fails though, they are forced to stand there and argue with
the Lawyer for 1 minute. At the end of this time, the victim
temporarily loses one me point! Then, another saving throw must be
made. If the victim succeeds, they wrest control of the situation,
and can do as they please. However, if the victim fails they
continue to argue for another minute. At the end of that minute
they lose another ME point, and must save again.
When the victim is down to 1 ME point, the fall into a coma, however they are at +10 vs. death. ME points are restored at the slow rate of 1 every 2 days.
Skills: Just go with Rouge Colour. In addition, they have a sort of "Super Law" skill. It means that he knows the laws for EVERY civilization, on every planet in every dimension in the Megaverse. It starts at 60% and is +1 per level of experience.
Equipment: Whatever... they don't really need it. Just a suit of MDC armor, their thick head and the ability to speak.
EPILOGUE
"Now hang on there just a second Mr. Dragon," said Quinten, "Why should we give you all of our cash? I mean, what gives you the right to just take it all?"
The large, ancient great horned dragon laughed. "I can take it because I am bigger and stronger than you, and there is nothing you can do to stop me."
"Oh yeah? Prove it! I'll bet you're not so big and strong. You have to prove it first," retorted Quinten. Before his eyes the dragon began to shrivel and shrink.
"You bastard," screamed the dragon in a high pitched voice. It dug around in it's treasure horde until it found Conversion Book 1. It opened it up to page 123. "See? My PS is 40+2d6," he flipped the page "and I am 70 feet long and 30 tons" As he spoke, he began to bulk back up to normal size.
"Oh," said a rather disheartened Quinten. "Oh well... Timmy, let him have it."
"What? Let me have what? Your money? I'll gladly accept it," said the unknowing dragon.
"Me make you go boom!" shouted Timmy, and pointed at the dragon. The wyrm screamed in agony, seconds before he burst like a full tick. Timmy happily skipped around around, and then collected some remains from the corpse.
"Well Timmy... where to now? Want to drop by and say hi to Emperor Prosek? Or maybe go see Lord Dunscon?" asked Quinten.
"Umm.... okay," said Timmy.
Then, Timmy and Quinten passed out into the sunset...
Standard disclaimers apply... See, I admit NOT Kevin Siembieda, nor did I help create Rifts or anything else they owned. Do I wish I did? Hell yes! But unfortunately I didn't... see? I'm not trying to trick you into thinking I am really Kevin by not putting a disclaimer in here...
Oh yeah.. second disclaimer.. I am not responsible for any deaths, destruction, mutilations, or anything else that is caused by the reading of this post. These came from my brain and if you want to blame something, blame it. I am not responsible for its twisted ramblings...