This is the first of an ongoing series of posts that will chronicle some of the more amusing incidents that've happened in some of the games my group has run (mostly Palladium, but a few others).
Basically what this is a few tidbits from some Rifts games (and a few other RPGs) that have come up that seem especially funny, meaningful, or just excessively stupid. These are the truth, or as near as I can remember it, of what was said during these sessions. Any changes made are accidental, a fault of my memory, or made the story funnier (even if they're not true).
Yes, this is as stupid as it sounds. One time, Carlos (Charles Spears, a good friend of mine and about as deep into RPGing as a person can get without going insane) was GM'ing a Rifts game. I wasn't actually playing in this, so it's secondhand - Carlos doesn't have net access and wanted me to post this for him.
I don't remember much about the rest of it, but the PCs encountered these weird alien mecha (hey, this is Rifts - something weird is always popping in from one dimension or another, right?). These alien robots were shaped like...well, giant bunny rabbits. Six-foot metal bunny rabbits. With jet engines mounted in their...well, anal cavities. And these bunny robots would jump around, flames shooting from their posteriors.
The robots had one main weapon. A weapon only the twisted, sick mind of Carlos could come up with. I think he called it an 'erotica beam', and it was mounted in the bunny robots' eyes. Very effective, in its own way. See, when this erotica beam hit someone, they would have a massive orgasm lasting something like 2D4 melee rounds. When a character was stunned by the erotica beam, the bunny robot would then jump about thirty feet in the air and drop straight down onto them...not a pretty sight.
Doesn't everybody hate shifters? I mean, they're really kind of a stupid character. They're not really evil enough to do heinous magic like necromancy or witchcraft, but their main focus is talking with demons, so they're not really good people. So they just kind of end up coming off as stupid, petty whining evil-wannabe wimps who always beg the GM to let them open a rift to make a deal with a demon lord or somebody (there's no better way to screw up a game). (A note: this is just my own opinion, and I'm being sarcastic at that. I don't want ten thousand posts telling me why shifters are great and awesome and all that. I know they're actually good PCs...)
Anyway, this story is the reason I don't let players to be shifters when I'm GM'ing (and why, on the rare occasion I play, if there's a shifter in the party, I kill them). Part of it is because I failed as a GM to keep things under control, of course; how much, I don't know. But hell, it was the first time I GM'ed.
The whole thing started when Matt (Standridge) asked to play a shifter. I didn't have much of a problem with this at first. Then, the whining started. The following is the nearest possible transcription of what was said.
Matt: Can I have a familiar?
GM (me): Why do you want a familiar?
Matt: I don't know, I just want one.
GM: (sigh) What kind of familiar?
Matt: An ocelot.
GM: An ocelot? What the hell's that?
Matt: It's like a housecat with an attitude.
GM: Then why don't you just have a housecat as your familiar?
Matt: I'd rather have a ocelot.
GM: But they're the same thing.
Matt: Yeah, but I just like saying ocelot.
GM: (wanting to get on with it) Yeah, sure, whatever.
Needless to say, things only got worse from there. The PC's were traveling in the city of Munich (it was an NGR campaign). They were, true to the nature of characters in one of our games, low on money, so they were in the seedy part of town. Then, this happened.
Matt: I look around on the street. Do I see any hookers?
GM: Hookers?
Matt: Yes. Do I see any hookers?
GM: Geez, I don't know...I guess so...probably. Yeah, you see a hooker on the corner.
Matt: Is she a redhead?
GM: Why do you ask that?
Matt: I like redheads.
GM: No, she's not.
Matt: Damn. Okay, anyway, I walk up to her and ask, "What's your price, baby?"
GM: She replies, "Too much for you, big boy."
Matt: I pull out all the credits I've got and hold them in her face (which happens to be all of the party's money) and I say, "This enough for you?"
GM: The hooker nods and takes your hand, leading you into a nearby hotel. Your friends watch you leave, wondering how the hell you could waste all of their money on a hooker.
Matt: Good. Now, when we get up to the room, I cast 'Trance' on her.
GM: (hooker fails to save) Okaaay, she's tranced. Now what?
Matt: I kill her and take her PPE and store it inside my amulet.
GM: Excuse me?
Matt: I kill her and take her PPE.
GM: You can't do that.
Matt: Why not?
GM: Because you're unprincipled. An unprincipled character wouldn't just kill somebody in cold blood!
Matt: Why not? GM: They just wouldn't do that. Matt: Why not? (by this time, he's beginning to sound like a broken record)
(Repeat previous two lines about thirty times)
GM: (sigh) Okay, fine, you kill the whore and take her PPE. You're going to burn in hell for this.
Matt: I don't care. Now, I pick up my money, put it back in my pocket, and walk back outside. As I walk out, do I see any other hookers?
GM: (groan) Oh, God. No. You don't.
Matt: Oh, come on.
GM: (a headache beginning to form) No. There are no other hookers on the street. They're all down sleeping with your friends for free.
Matt: (looks at the other players) Really?
GM: No.
It even degraded more than this. The shifter got worse. Eventually, he managed to open a rift to talk with one of his precious demon lords. This demon was named Necronominus, or somesuch nonsense. (I wasn't feeling creative).
GM: (speaking as demon) "Yes, my name is Necronominus, but you may call me Necro."
Matt: "Yes, well...Necro...what about making a deal with me?
GM: "What do you have to offer me?"
Matt: "Well, I've got a jar of hooker's blood."
GM: "Already got a freezer full of it."
Matt: "What about a link to Earth?"
GM: "Well...hmm...and what do you want in return?
Matt: "More spells."
GM: "Very well, then." You can choose five new spells. (back in demon lord voice) "But three of them must be magic of the dead. And you must change your name to Necromancer Bob."
The Necromancer Bob thing is...well, obvious. The 'dead' magic spells would be useless, of course. But the shifter agreed willingly enough, but then, just as a joke, the demon gave him a phobia. A fear of animals. So, of course, the shifter couldn't do anything when his ocelot familiar was around (paralyzed with fear). But he couldn't kill the familiar, see, or he would lose hit points (permanently). A pretty good paradox.
Despite getting him back for it, I still hate shifters (or at least a little).
Yes, vehicles, even mild-mannered civilian transportation, are to be considered weapons. This is, of course, the philosophy of a player I have had the pleasure (?)of having run in a couple of my games. Without fail, the guy has rammed a vehicle into something every time.
The first time was in North America. I was planning on having the PCs track down ARCHIE-3, and they ran into a robot rhino-buffalo. This...thing was already damaged, of course, before they found it. The other party members (an NGR Intelligence Officer and a Salvage Expert) were in a pitched battle with the robot/creature. Pete Yohe, the player in question, had his Burster (after lighting a cigarette with ISP) roast a couple of hot dogs on the ends of his fingers and toss them at the 'bot.
The hot dogs, of course, didn't do a thing except cause the beast to turn towards him. (Where did he get the hot dogs? Or the cigarette, for that matter?) Anywho, Pete's character was standing next to the old, beat-up truck they were riding around in (before, he had been napping in the back of it, I think). They had picked up several fusion blocks (big ones, too) in a town they had passed through. The Burster set the fusion blocks (all of 'em, about 5 or 6 total; I think they were the 1D6x10 kind) to explode in ten seconds or something like that, put the truck in gear, wedged the gas pedal down, and pointed it towards the 'bot.
What more can be said? The fusion blocks, the truck, and the 'bot all
went up in a massive explosion. All three of them probably should have
been reduced to organic pulp, but for some reason they weren't.
The second time the same guy (Pete) pulled this "road pool" stunt
was in Europe. A new game, he was playing an NGR Intelligence Officer who
was trying to redeem himself from suspension (for, no joke, backing a truck
through his CO's house). He and the others (the same two players as before,
with new characters) were driving along through the wilderness of Germany
in some sort of Triax version of a Hum-Vee. A gargoylite, a spy, jumped
out in the road in front of them (I have no idea why. The thing was pretty
stupid.).
GM (me): You see a blur of motion as something small and grey jumps out in front of you, about fifty yards ahead. It's short, maybe three feet tall.
Pete (who's driving): I step on the gas (evil grin).
GM: (Eyes widening) Uhh...okay. You hear a slight thump, the truck rocks, and the creature is run under. Then you hear a scratching sound underneath the truck.
Pete: (Looks at other players) Could it still be alive?
Chris (another player): You're the Intelligence Officer. You tell us.
GM: Suddenly, a small, clawed hand tears through the floorboards to grab your foot (pointing at Pete)
Pete (a nervous look on his face): Help.
At this point, the chaos ensued. Chris (playing a Salvage Expert) panicked, pulled out his ion rifle and began shooting wildly through the floorboards. He killed the 'goyle, but in the process destroyed the truck's brake lines and almost hit the transfer case, not to mention nearly blowing Phil(another player)'s foot off.
I still have a hard time riding with him IRL.